Thursday, May 14, 2015

Thunderstorms are scary... Especially when you're driving in them...

so my mom took me shopping for male clothes today

i got cargo shorts, beach shorts (accidentally got them 10 sizes too small o o p s) a tank top, and a t shirt.
i'm a size 40-42 in men's pants, and a 1-2x in men's shirts.
i learned today that:
  • men's pants have bigger and better pockets than women's
  • men's clothing sizes depend on the brand, just like women's
  • a 40 in one brand isn't necessarily a 40 in another
  • my cargo shorts are snug

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

my story (and why people think i'm lying) TW sexual assault

     a year and a half ago, i was raped. it wasn't like you see on law and order, where a violent repeat offender, serial rapist, or child molester scooped me up in public, had his way, and went on with his day. for one thing, my rapist was a female. for another thing, it occurred in a baker act facility. for those of you who don't know what a baker act is, it's a law in florida where police and healthcare professionals have the authority to admit you to a psych hospital for observation for 72 hours, and even if you're an adult, you can't sign yourself out. anyway, back to the gritty truth. 
        (NEXT PART EXTREME TW, DESCRIPTION OF ASSAULT HIGHLIGHT TO READ)
     i was getting ready for bed, when they brought in another girl. i'll admit, i engaged her in conversation for a while, but then the conversation got awkward. she started saying things like "i want to fuck you" and "you have nice boobies" to the point where i got very uncomfortable. i told her to stop or i would go to sleep, as it was late and i had already taken my night meds. she kept right on talking that way, until i told her i would go to bed, yet again. then, as i got up to use the restroom, she followed me into the bathroom and tried to open the door. well, she actually did open the door. it was there that she made me take off my shirt as she licked and sucked my breasts. even during consensual sex i don't like my breasts touched. but some people do it without knowing, and it makes me anxious, you know? she kissed me and she tasted like corn bread and the death of an innocent girl and the rebirth of a monster. she told me i had a "fat pussy" which still bothers me to this day. i can still hear her voice telling me that, and i can still hear the little giggle afterward. 
     the next morning, we both had to switch rooms. we were still together, just in a different room. nobody found out until a few days after i got home and i typed up a letter to my girlfriend, telling her what had happened, and she sent me a letter back, supporting me and advising me to talk about it. my mom found out a few weeks later when i flew into one of my famous borderline rages and screamed at her that i was raped. she called a rape crisis hotline for me and let me talk to a counselor. 
     later that year, i started drinking. i didn't drink every day, but every once in a while to forget the sadness. the pain. the anger. the vengeance. it was like my whole chest was collapsing in on me and i couldn't breathe, i couldn't think about anything but what had happened, i couldn't sleep. i would stop fantasizing and daydreaming about fun things and i would fantasize about being whisked away on the TARDIS to far away times and places, confiding in the doctor that i was broken and allowing him to pick up the pieces, and sherlock deducing that i was mentally ill and a rape victim just by looking at me and john relating with me, or hunting with the winchesters and breaking down with them because they're just as broken as i am. i also had daydreams of revenge, where i would strangle her to death or stab her. 
     the summer before i turned 17, i was arrested for punching mom in the face and breaking her nose. (i know what you're thinking, who in their right mind would punch their mother in the face? well, my answer to that is nobody. i wasn't in my right mind)
     a counselor was asking me intake questions and asked me if i'd ever been raped. i told her yes. so they forced me to report it to the police and DCF (department of children and families) which was like being raped all over again. they made me talk about it, then had the goddamn motherfucking NERVE to tell me that "if i was lying i would be prosecuted with perjury, and that lying about being raped wouldn't get me out of jail. like i was stupid enough to think that if i told a lie i would get out of jail. it still bothers me that they accused me of lying. 
     when i went into a residential treatment program, i got a little peek at my paperwork. they had consulted the hospital it occurred at and it said that my "accusations of sexual abuse were found to be false". what a motherfucking slap in the face. i mean, everyone at residential was acting like they believed me, but how could i really be sure with that on my papers? it still hurts now, as i write this. it hurts less, day by day, minute by minute, second by second. the most triggering part of writing this blog article was writing about how the police thought i was lying. even describing the assault and how it unfolded wasn't as triggering as that. now i'm doing better, i've got two trauma workbooks from residential and i'm not drinking anymore, or using maladaptive daydreaming. it really does get better, if you move inch by inch and take it one minute at a time. 

future reference

http://queermentalhealth.org/category/series/dbt-skills/

christian: a poem about grief

love.
what a concept.
but the day you died,
you tore my heart and stomped it.

not a goodbye,
or a last word spoken.
now my heart,
is irrevocably broken.

my words alone,
can't possibly show my love,
or my heart ache,
when will i cry enough?

you were there,
through the suicide attempts.
you're the best friend,
i could ever have dreamt.

now you're gone,
and my heart breaks.
my love was clear to see,
my affection opaque.

this afternoon,
i cried for hours.
it felt like my heart,
has been devoured.

my brother says,
you're always with us,
but for my grieving heart,
that just isn't enough.

for future reference

a guide to self care for people with anxiety

more ED questions (TW again)

from the same book as last post.
  1. how did you learn to dislike your body?
    i first started hating my body when bullies would make fun of me for it, around age 10-13
  2. what might have been some reasons for your over or under eating?
    over eating is to feel better about situations, and under eating is to compensate for over eating.
  3. how has your eating disorder helped you to cope with difficult situations in your life?
    it helps me to cope because whenever i feel overwhelmed or upset i can just binge and it will be all right, until i feel bad for binging, and either purge, take laxatives, or starve.
  4. how has dieting made you feel better or worse about yourself?
  5. dieting makes me feel better and worse. it makes me feel better by compensating for my over eating habits. it makes me feel worse by making me disappointed when i don't stick to the diet or strict meal plan.
  6. do you judge your struggle with food and weight as good or bad?
    it's simultaneously good and bad, because when i stick to my meal plans, it's good, when i binge, it's bad.
  7. how do you think your eating disorder has tried to help you?
    by allowing me to not deal with my problems and situations.

eating disorder questions (telling my ED story) TW ED, description, numbers

so i checked out this book from the local library, and i found a page in it that has questions to answer about your ED, how it began, and how it affects your life. here they are, along with my answers to them.

  1. start by trying to remember the first time you felt bad about your body or about food. how old were you? was it a specific event or just a general time period?
    i remember i was very young, about seven, when the doctor first told me i had to lose weight. i was in the 90th percentile for weight among girls my age. that means only 10% of girls my age were heavier than me. the doctor told me i was obese.
  2. how did this change over the years? was there anything specific you remember that made it better or worse?
    over the years i learned to hate myself. i have a love/hate relationship with food, hating how eating makes me feel, but using it for comfort.
  3. how did your family, friends, teachers, and other people in your life influence how you felt about your body or food?
    my family encouraged emotional eating. they encouraged binge eating, and only stopped when i was about 14, when it got to be really bad, but by then it was too late. my friends were always thinner than me, and i remember in 5th grade, i saw a boy coming down the hall at school while i was drinking from the water fountain, and he called me fat, so i sucked in my stomach. teachers would always chastise me for eating too much at snack time, and lunch, and i would always get bullied for my weight.
  4. what is your first memory of either over eating or under eating when you were feeling emotional (eating or controlling your food when lonely, afraid, or angry)? How old were you? who was with you? what were you eating?
    i would always go to get mcdonalds after school with my grandfather. i was 4-5 years old, and every day he would pick me up from school and get me a happy meal. then i'd have dinner with my family when we got home. the first time i remember looking up how to starve myself was when i was 13 years old, i was looking for "how to"s on youtube, and how to be anorexic popped up in the suggested videos. so i clicked it and found out about thinspo and weight loss by any means necessary. so i tried to go on pro ana diets and restrict my calories to 500 a day and read everything about eating disorders i could find, and looked everywhere for tips.
  5. how do you think having the struggle with food and weight has affected you in the past, and how does it affect you now?
    it has affected me in the past by really messing with my head and making me hate myself.
  6. how have you tried to deal with this struggle?"
    by losing weight, by starving myself, by purging.
  7. what do you really want to happen with your food and body?
    i want to lose weight, to be at a healthy weight and to be happy
  8. what do you really want to happen with your life?
    i want to be functional. and able to do things other people do.
  9. what do you think you need right now?
    i need a smoke.

Friday, May 8, 2015

just some coping strategies

:grystar: these are just some of the coping strategies i came up with off the top of my head in two minutes :grystar: 

:cystar: watch bbc sherlock
:cystar: or doctor who
:cystar: or supernatural
:cystar: or better yet, have a superwholock day (don't be ashamed to be in the superwholock fandom, they're good shows!!)
:cystar: coloring
:cystar: drink tension tamer tea 
:cystar: out of one of your decorated mugs
:cystar: drink flavored water 
:cystar: light a candle or incense
:cystar: read a book
:cystar: make crafts (ie. loom bands, friendship bracelets, crochet, knitting, diy)
:cystar: journal
:cystar: write poetry
:cystar: cuddle a fuzzy stuffie
:cystar: lie down for a bit
:cystar: listen to comedy videos on youtube
:cystar: listen to demi lovato on youtube

Thursday, May 7, 2015

SELF CARE TIPS (image heavy post)






IDENTIFY FEELINGS



tips for self care
get enough sleep. forreals tho.
get enough vitamins and minerals
exercise
eat for energy, not comfort
laugh more
go to bed by 11 pm
sip green tea
give and receive hugs
take time for yourself every day to read, pamper yourself, etc.
take selfies (get all prettied up, find good lighting, and snap a few instagram photos!)
buy/make a face mask and pamper yourself
wake up early every morning and eat a nice healthy breakfast so you can start the day like the badass you are





use it or lose it - tips to use your noggin



beating your ED - a tips post of a different kind (bulimia-centric)

this isn't your usual tips post. you know, the kind that tell you how to restrict your calories to unhealthy amounts, how to shrink to a size zero - by any means necessary? throw those out and jump on the recovery bandwagon... here are some tips for recovering from your ED



BINGING

tips i've found helpful
1. take it one step at a time
2. forgive yourself for any slip ups. minor setbacks are a natural part of recovery, just make sure they don't happen too often or for extended periods of time.
3. get support. i can't stress this enough. just knowing that people are there to help you in your time of need, even if you try to push them away in the heat of the moment (don't deny it, i do it too) can be comforting
4) get a workbook. i suggest this one.
5) or this one for anorexia (for teens specifically, also works for bulimia and other EDs, pdf here)
7) challenge destructive thoughts. get a journal just for this purpose, and use the CBT ABCD model to challenge damaging thoughts. 
8) make good use of cheerleading statements during this time. recovery can be hard, so i suggest setting a timer for once every hour or two and telling yourself something positive in your life, such as "i'm good at math" or "my SO believes i'm beautiful/handsome/good looking, and i trust their judgement, therefore, i am beautiful/handsome/good looking"
9) make countless relapse prevention plans. one for every situation, every day of the fucking week if necessary.
10) get information on your behaviors and how destructive they are, but also acknowledge how they used to "work" for you without glorifying them
11) be kind to yourself. don't beat yourself up over every morsel of food that passes your lips. forgive yourself. this doesn't mean go hog wild either though, just don't torture yourself
13) and above all,

big old self harm post

contents of my DBT distress tolerance box!

my DBT distress tolerance box is a huge bin, so bear with me and you may get some ideas for your own box.
coping box contents:
:lblstar: stickers
:lblstar: plushies (x2)
:lblstar: seashell
:lblstar: dryer sheet
:lblstar: birthday cards
:lblstar: tissues
:lblstar: candle
:lblstar: nail polish
:lblstar: stress ball (x2)
:lblstar: bouncy ball
:lblstar: bandana
:lblstar: playing cards
:lblstar: lotion
:lblstar: body spray/perfume
:lblstar: tea mug (decorated w/ sharpie)
:lblstar: markers
:lblstar: lip gloss (x2, bonne belle and EOS)
:lblstar: carmex (i really like the taste of carmex)
:lblstar: relaxing cds (x3)
:lblstar: poetry notebook
:lblstar: sketch book
:lblstar: journal
:lblstar: coping skill handbook
:lblstar: loom band tutorial book
:lblstar: coloring books and pages
:lblstar: puzzle
:lblstar: vitamin e cream
:lblstar: construction paper
:lblstar: tea (tension tamer)
:lblstar: loom bands
:lblstar: crayons
:lblstar: book (the fault in our stars)
:lblstar: word search book
:lblstar: positive affirmation book