Friday, May 30, 2014
positive images
y'all might not find these positive/inspiring/giggle worthy, but i do. and it's my blog.
more about the flashbacks
they're not like, disturbing images of what happened, they're just snippets of things like a person's face, or a certain kind of shoe. but it scares the hell out of me because it happened and nobody could save me. nobody was able to stop the horror from happening. i was in the hospital in 2010 for self harm, and i was emotionally neglected (the staff would ignore me when i had panic attacks, and laugh at me all the time, especially when i asked for help) and physically abused (i was assaulted by a girl there and nobody did anything to stop it, they even blamed me) i keep remembering the staff's faces, or their names pop into my head, and my heart races and i go numb, both in body and mind. it feels like nothing is real and for a second i feel like "no, it can't have happened to me, maybe it happened to somebody else and i'm remembering their memories" and i usually self harm. i cut my wrist really bad last night, kinda out of control, even though it wasn't deep, i cut a lot.
Grounding Techniques
well boys and girls, it's about time i've made another coping skills post. this time, it's for something i've been dealing w/ lately, dissociation and flashbacks. yay. some flashbacks are worse than others, but that doesn't mean your traumatic experience "doesn't count" or "isn't as bad" as somebody else's. that's another thing i've been dealing with. feelings of self-invalidation towards my past, telling myself it's not as important because others have been through worse. don't do that to yourself, believe me, it's more damaging than helpful. personally, i think anybody with any form of anxiety, trauma-related or not, could use this.
more information
coping
Thursday, May 29, 2014
flashbacks *TW Self Harm*
I had hella flashbacks last night and I cut my wrist because of them. The pain brought me back to the present. I'm completely crazy.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Children seeing my behaviors
A woman at my grandmas work has some ladies talking about their kids seeing them using drugs, and how heartbreaking it is, but the same thing happens with my brother, and I don't want to hurt him anymore.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Getting worse
I'm getting so much worse. With the fighting and the binging and the cutting.
I really want to get better but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
I really want to get better but I don't see that happening anytime soon.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
yesterday was bad
yesterday i freaked out in school... math was too much for me, i was worried about renfrew, and i was just having a bad weekend/monday.
you know
the usual.
so there i was in the office crying, and the night coordinator convinced me not to go home. okay, great. really, because it did get better from there. my teacher was doing language skills with the rest of the class, so she gave me some science and social studies to work on. i just chilled until about 8:45 pm and after that i waited until my grandpa came to pick me up. but i'm glad i didn't leave early, because there was only one hour left, and my mood got better from then on.
you know
the usual.
so there i was in the office crying, and the night coordinator convinced me not to go home. okay, great. really, because it did get better from there. my teacher was doing language skills with the rest of the class, so she gave me some science and social studies to work on. i just chilled until about 8:45 pm and after that i waited until my grandpa came to pick me up. but i'm glad i didn't leave early, because there was only one hour left, and my mood got better from then on.
Monday, May 5, 2014
renfrew
yesterday i sat in my grandma's car freaking out about having to go to renfrew for binge eating disorder treatment. renfrew is an eating disorder specialty residential place in florida, and i was terrified it'd be like the hospital, where the staff laughed at me when i freaked out, and ignored me when i had panic attacks, and let me get beat up, then blamed me. the only good thing about the hospital is that i fell in love there. i know, not a smart idea, but it's not like it normally would be. she was (and is) amazing. she listens to me, and she knows how big a part of my life music is.
anyway, more about renfrew, it's not locked, so you can wander around, you get to be integrated with the adults, so it's definitely a bit more relaxed than other places i've been to, and i still don't know if there are roommates yet. that is one of the biggest things i worry about, because i was sexually assaulted by a roommate in a hospital and it really fucked me up a bit.
but i'm going to get to see it before i go, so that's a bit comforting.
anxiety coping master post
distractions
information
(one thing you can do to help is not touch the person)
self help
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