so my mom took me shopping for male clothes today

i got cargo shorts, beach shorts (accidentally got them 10 sizes too small o o p s) a tank top, and a t shirt.
i'm a size 40-42 in men's pants, and a 1-2x in men's shirts.
i learned today that:

• men's pants have bigger and better pockets than women's
• men's clothing sizes depend on the brand, just like women's
• a 40 in one brand isn't necessarily a 40 in another
• my cargo shorts are snug

tired af and doing biology homework like a crazy person

it's currently 11:37 pm and i'm tired as a motherfucker and i'm doing biology - my worst subject. how fucking crazy am i?

triggers and relationships

part one of this post: triggers
last night my brother's friend said something very triggering. i was trying to get the three boys out of my room (i don't need a reason here, but if you think i do, they were making a huge mess and screaming) and one, let's call him K, said "you act like we're trying to rape you"
what. the. fuck.
in what world is that okay? in what world is it okay to say "you just got raped" when you tell a joke at the expense of somebody else?
i wanted to cut but i didn't. so that makes ten days clean.

part two of this post: relationships
i yell at my mom. she yells back. i say something hurtful. she says something even more hurtful. a screaming match ensues, at the end of which i either end up in the hospital or at my grandparents house. i'm glad to say this one didn't end in the hospital. my grandma comforted me for over an hour, for which i am grateful, but i'm still in tears. even when i asked my grandpa to make me eggs. i am watching adult swim, so i feel a little better. my grandma believes me that i thought i was pregnant because i was sick, and not because i had sex, but my grandpa doesn't. it's a lie anyway, but don't tell them that. i've been off my meds for a week because of the pregnancy scare. that's what started this screaming match. i yelled at my mom for never making my brother go to the hospital but i have to go every time i fucking breathe, i only did it because i was unstable. i've been off my abilify and prozac for a week.

residential and pregnancy scares

it's been decided that i'm not going.
also, this is day 9 of my pregnancy scare.
i can't have a baby. not because it'll fuck up my future, because i have none, but because it'll fuck up my kidneys. i've had 3 negative results so i'm a little relieved but i'm still scared. i missed my period, but what if it's just a little late? it's never regular.
PS: 10 days free of self harm

timberline knolls

it's been decided. i'm going to timberline knolls. for help with my ED, self harm, and other risky and/or self destructive behaviors. i'm really nervous because what if it's like last time, where all that bad stuff happened. i did talk to a girl on tumblr who had been there. and i've gotten nothing but good reviews. so i feel pretty safe about going there. i won't be able to blog while i'm there, so i will blog on family outings, if i get them.

To recover or not?

I really want to stop hurting myself with food. It's such a depressing thing to do and I want to not need food to make me feel better.
But at the same time im terrified of going to renfrew (or timberline knolls, that's an option now too) because what if im abused there like last time? I can't risk it.

my self care plan

 talk to my girlfriend every day
 meditate every morning and night
 do my makeup every day (my grandma said to always look like youre going somewhere so you don't get down about not going anywhere.)
 self-talk monitoring
 writing in a journal
 go to bed at 10pm, wake at 8am
 drink a hella lot of water, like, at least 10 cups a day (extra because it takes away period cramps)
 go outside at least once daily
 go the hell to work. seriously, don't let my anxiety stop me from going to work because last time i thought i didn't do enough, like, if i don't go then i definitely didn't help enough
 go on support forums
 take care of any self inflicted injuries i may have
 daily prayer
 do online classes since i'm officially a home school student

Vegetarian yo

I'm going to go vegetarian.  It will be good for me. I'm really going to stick to it this time. It will help reduce binges if I know what I can and can't binge on, which will, in turn, reduce laxative overdoses.
I'm doing it for the animals too, of course. I'm sure that I can do it.
This will be a new beginning.

I cut yesterday and today. I just didn't know what to do. It was like I was drowning and gasping for air but the air only filled my lungs with more water.

This blog is really triggering.

I've decided to stop self harming. Some of the posts here are triggering, but I won't delete or edit them because that's what recovery is. It's gritty and disturbing. I did, however, remove the pictures of my cuts in the butterfly project posts. I will post new ones now that there are no fresh cuts.

dream journal

last night i dreamt about residential. except it wasn't like i thought it would be. i snuck in alcohol (i took this to mean that i use self destructive coping mechanisms to deal with my feelings instead of facing them head on), and a cell phone (i took this to mean i have problems communicating) & i talked a lot in group (meaning i talk so much but never about what's bothering me). i also had sex with a girl there (which probably means i engage in high risk activities, and although i may get away w them now, they'll hurt my in the long run) this whole dream probably meant that i need to be more active in my treatment.

food addiction

this food addiction has been kicking my ass recently. i want to lose weight in a healthy way, but i can't stop myself. i'm going to renfrew if i don't lose weight by the end of the summer. i hate myself.
i'm helping somebody on ryl chat.

more about the flashbacks

they're not like, disturbing images of what happened, they're just snippets of things like a person's face, or a certain kind of shoe. but it scares the hell out of me because it happened and nobody could save me. nobody was able to stop the horror from happening. i was in the hospital in 2010 for self harm, and i was emotionally neglected (the staff would ignore me when i had panic attacks, and laugh at me all the time, especially when i asked for help) and physically abused (i was assaulted by a girl there and nobody did anything to stop it, they even blamed me) i keep remembering the staff's faces, or their names pop into my head, and my heart races and i go numb, both in body and mind. it feels like nothing is real and for a second i feel like "no, it can't have happened to me, maybe it happened to somebody else and i'm remembering their memories" and i usually self harm. i cut my wrist really bad last night, kinda out of control, even though it wasn't deep, i cut a lot. 

flashbacks *TW Self Harm*

I had hella flashbacks last night and I cut my wrist because of them. The pain brought me back to the present. I'm completely crazy.

Children seeing my behaviors

A woman at my grandmas work has some ladies talking about their kids seeing them using drugs, and how heartbreaking it is, but the same thing happens with my brother, and I don't want to hurt him anymore.

Getting worse

I'm getting so much worse. With the fighting and the binging and the cutting.
I really want to get better but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

yesterday was bad

yesterday i freaked out in school... math was too much for me, i was worried about renfrew, and i was just having a bad weekend/monday.
you know
the usual.
so there i was in the office crying, and the night coordinator convinced me not to go home. okay, great. really, because it did get better from there. my teacher was doing language skills with the rest of the class, so she gave me some science and social studies to work on. i just chilled until about 8:45 pm and after that i waited until my grandpa came to pick me up. but i'm glad i didn't leave early, because there was only one hour left, and my mood got better from then on.

renfrew

yesterday i sat in my grandma's car freaking out about having to go to renfrew for binge eating disorder treatment. renfrew is an eating disorder specialty residential place in florida, and i was terrified it'd be like the hospital, where the staff laughed at me when i freaked out, and ignored me when i had panic attacks, and let me get beat up, then blamed me. the only good thing about the hospital is that i fell in love there. i know, not a smart idea, but it's not like it normally would be. she was (and is) amazing. she listens to me, and she knows how big a part of my life music is.

anyway, more about renfrew, it's not locked, so you can wander around, you get to be integrated with the adults, so it's definitely a bit more relaxed than other places i've been to, and i still don't know if there are roommates yet. that is one of the biggest things i worry about, because i was sexually assaulted by a roommate in a hospital and it really fucked me up a bit.

but i'm going to get to see it before i go, so that's a bit comforting.