so my mom took me shopping for male clothes today

i got cargo shorts, beach shorts (accidentally got them 10 sizes too small o o p s) a tank top, and a t shirt.
i'm a size 40-42 in men's pants, and a 1-2x in men's shirts.
i learned today that:

• men's pants have bigger and better pockets than women's
• men's clothing sizes depend on the brand, just like women's
• a 40 in one brand isn't necessarily a 40 in another
• my cargo shorts are snug

christian: a poem about grief

love.
what a concept.
but the day you died,
you tore my heart and stomped it.

not a goodbye,
or a last word spoken.
now my heart,
is irrevocably broken.

my words alone,
can't possibly show my love,
or my heart ache,
when will i cry enough?

you were there,
through the suicide attempts.
you're the best friend,
i could ever have dreamt.

now you're gone,
and my heart breaks.
my love was clear to see,
my affection opaque.

this afternoon,
i cried for hours.
it felt like my heart,
has been devoured.

my brother says,
you're always with us,
but for my grieving heart,
that just isn't enough.

more ED questions (TW again)

from the same book as last post.

1. how did you learn to dislike your body?
   i first started hating my body when bullies would make fun of me for it, around age 10-13
2. what might have been some reasons for your over or under eating?
   over eating is to feel better about situations, and under eating is to compensate for over eating.
3. how has your eating disorder helped you to cope with difficult situations in your life?
   it helps me to cope because whenever i feel overwhelmed or upset i can just binge and it will be all right, until i feel bad for binging, and either purge, take laxatives, or starve.
4. how has dieting made you feel better or worse about yourself?
5. dieting makes me feel better and worse. it makes me feel better by compensating for my over eating habits. it makes me feel worse by making me disappointed when i don't stick to the diet or strict meal plan.
6. do you judge your struggle with food and weight as good or bad?
   it's simultaneously good and bad, because when i stick to my meal plans, it's good, when i binge, it's bad.
7. how do you think your eating disorder has tried to help you?
   by allowing me to not deal with my problems and situations.

eating disorder questions (telling my ED story) TW ED, description, numbers

so i checked out this book from the local library, and i found a page in it that has questions to answer about your ED, how it began, and how it affects your life. here they are, along with my answers to them.

1. start by trying to remember the first time you felt bad about your body or about food. how old were you? was it a specific event or just a general time period?
   i remember i was very young, about seven, when the doctor first told me i had to lose weight. i was in the 90th percentile for weight among girls my age. that means only 10% of girls my age were heavier than me. the doctor told me i was obese.
2. how did this change over the years? was there anything specific you remember that made it better or worse?
   over the years i learned to hate myself. i have a love/hate relationship with food, hating how eating makes me feel, but using it for comfort.
3. how did your family, friends, teachers, and other people in your life influence how you felt about your body or food?
   my family encouraged emotional eating. they encouraged binge eating, and only stopped when i was about 14, when it got to be really bad, but by then it was too late. my friends were always thinner than me, and i remember in 5th grade, i saw a boy coming down the hall at school while i was drinking from the water fountain, and he called me fat, so i sucked in my stomach. teachers would always chastise me for eating too much at snack time, and lunch, and i would always get bullied for my weight.
4. what is your first memory of either over eating or under eating when you were feeling emotional (eating or controlling your food when lonely, afraid, or angry)? How old were you? who was with you? what were you eating?
   i would always go to get mcdonalds after school with my grandfather. i was 4-5 years old, and every day he would pick me up from school and get me a happy meal. then i'd have dinner with my family when we got home. the first time i remember looking up how to starve myself was when i was 13 years old, i was looking for "how to"s on youtube, and how to be anorexic popped up in the suggested videos. so i clicked it and found out about thinspo and weight loss by any means necessary. so i tried to go on pro ana diets and restrict my calories to 500 a day and read everything about eating disorders i could find, and looked everywhere for tips.
5. how do you think having the struggle with food and weight has affected you in the past, and how does it affect you now?
   it has affected me in the past by really messing with my head and making me hate myself.
6. how have you tried to deal with this struggle?"
   by losing weight, by starving myself, by purging.
7. what do you really want to happen with your food and body?
   i want to lose weight, to be at a healthy weight and to be happy
8. what do you really want to happen with your life?
   i want to be functional. and able to do things other people do.
9. what do you think you need right now?
   i need a smoke.